My Name’s On The Naughty List

I may have not spent Christmas like a normal person would his year. I bet everybody who celebrated the holidays wore their yuletide cheer on their gleeful faces, as they exchanged presents and drank their warm cups of coffee while spending quality time with their families. Not me.

Christmas for me was more of waking up in a dark room at 10 in the morning, with blindfolds closed, drinking from an unwashed glass which I wasn’t able to clean last night. Unopened envelopes laid on the kitchen table for days already, as I was expected hapless messages that read “Merry Christmas” on each and every one of them from my co-worker and relatives. I was right.

My job has been strangling me since last week, forcing me to spend my vacation on my apartment here at D.C., whereas everybody from the building has gone to their homes. If the isolation wasn’t bad enough, Verona, the girl whom I met at Fling.com, hasn’t called the past few days like she said she would since spending time at her parent’s house. Having all those things happen to me in a blink of an eye has made my coffee even more bitter.

What’s even more depressing was that Henry wasn’t around with me to spend this glorious season. He usually spends his holidays just around the area, so it isn’t a stretch for both of us to meet at the nearby coffee shop, just like old times. However, this time, he opted to go to his parent’s home as well. I was able to know this by reaching him at his number. And to think that he’s already gotten over the fact of what I did to him before, his answering machines sounds off, “I’m not home; I went to my parent’s place. And if you’re Josh, fuck your Christmas.”

Okay, I may have deserved that. Hell, I may have deserved the fact that I’m having probably the worst Christmas in my life. However, it’s not like I didn’t expect this shit to happen. I may have done stupid things the past couple of months, and yeah, I’ve been suffering from the consequences of what I’ve done. But I think it’s just part of being who I am, I guess. If people want to be somebody, then they have to take everything like a man, damnit!

As a consolation, or so I thought, Verona gave me a phone call that afternoon, while I was grinding my teeth on some paperwork. She informed me that she’ll have to cancel our New Year’s party here at D.C., as she was planning to extend the vacation at her parent’s place. Not being a pain in the ass, I just said okay.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

My Newfound Love For Necessary Conflict (Stop The Cliché!)

Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. You are what you eat. Love is blind. These are some of the many sayings that we have heard from people of various orientations, ranging from the faithfuls, the gluttons, and to the hopeless, among countless others. Some of these proverbs can be accused for being asinine, but no matter how inane clichés can be, we cannot deny how they actually help us deal with life.

The way a person act is dictated by what is widely accepted. But in order to figure out what these are, we have to refer to our experiences which would help us determine what we should do in these specific cases. Once it has been agreed upon by people that a particular action proves effective toward the given situation, we begin to customarily perform the same act repeatedly. Then, if every action that is done again and again yields a constant result, we are then able to form a reliable conclusion, such as if x is performed, y occurs. Thus, clichés are born.

But as much we can give praise to clichés, I just fucking hate the way people have become restricted in their approach to life because of following it like a religion. They live life with a pattern, a life where clichés and cheap quotes are necessary. Sure, Newton's law and Occam's razor ain't such a bad thing to follow every now and then. However, these don't really matter unless we make it matter. Suffice to say, they are never absolute.

So when I told all these things to Henry, whom I summoned yesterday to the coffee house where we hold our camaraderies, these words thoroughly resonated in my ears, “You got to be fucking kidding me! Don't shove that intellectual shit down my throat, asshole! Have you no sense of modesty? I'm your friend, for Chrissake!”

Before, I would have conceded arguing with Henry because I'm not the one to make people uncomfortable. Hell, I wouldn't have even allowed something to reach a point that there would be confrontation because I would have given up even before everything would have began. I'd do anything to make everybody be in on the same page, even if I would have to sacrifice certain things in order to get this done. It was noble of me to do this, but it also made me feel sorry for myself.

Not that I want to become an asshole, but my actions could easily be interpreted as such. I've finally revealed to Henry that I've been the reason why Verona, also known as Tonga from Fling.com, had stopped seeing him, and that our friendship would not prevent me from seeing her as well. Henry was fuming. This was only the second time I've seen him angry after six years, when his pet Labrador got ran over by a Hummer across the street. I was waiting for him to splash the iced mocha that he ordered on my face. He grabbed the espresso shot at the table and threw it on my face instead.

To be honest, I had it coming. It was shitty for me to rat out on my friend of 20 years, and choosing Verona over my friendship with Henry was like spitting at everything we've shared. But as much as our friendship has meant so much to me, I didn't regret admitting the truth to him. In fact, I liked the feeling of my heart pumping and my adrenalin rushing with every word I had to force out of my mouth. I've never felt so alive! During the times when I was so afraid of conflict, I deprived myself of a spine I could've used before. But now, even I felt my balls have grown bigger.

And as I remained seated in the coffee place where Henry and I always met since graduating from college, I felt all those years slowly slip away from me after he finally walked out from the place. I felt my life took a momentary nosedive, like everything that I believed in before was all wrong. But then, a grin emerges on my face. Live life, fuck others. Now that's your new cliché.

A Tug of Wars

“So, what's up?” Henry had to ask that question to me at Starbucks in our obligatory monthly encounters since last meeting at Enchanted Village over a month ago.

Like Thelma is to Louise, Henry has always been my dude since getting to know him way back. During our younger years, the two of us would hang out here at Washington and fuck shit up, as we go to bars, shoot pools, and do really stupid things.

However, our maturity has gotten the best of us over the years, as we now have our careers and other responsibilities to handle. Nevertheless, the both of us still managed to stay connected after years passed to relive our glory days as nincompoops in college. Come to think of it, our friendship has endured turbulent and stormy times, and yet here we are, having a nice, hot cup of good ole' brewed coffee. Without the sugar.

“Nothing that would grab your attention. How about you?” The first few minutes of our encounter has already got me lying. There is something with me right now that would definitely grab his attention.

I have been regularly chatting with Verona, also known as Tonga, at Fling.com days after searching for her profile at this online dating site. She happened to remember me from Club 9:30, thank God, as we carried our conversation from there. It felt so natural, as I just let the words at the top of my head and my finger typing the words weave magic. It's like she was talking to me not because she's obligated to, but because she wanted to. That never happened to me, up until then.

“Well, since the last time you saw me, I would say I'm in pretty low spirits right now...”

“How about the girl from the site you were telling me about? Was that Fling? Are you still dating her?” I asked this question harboring a feeling of guilt and shame. There is a part in me that wants to ask how he is coping up, and for me to admit that I am responsible for Verona's sudden change of heart. But I cannot muster the strength to confront Henry with these confessions, as I continued to play along with the conversation.

“Not anymore. In fact, I haven't seen her for quite a while.” I have heard about the lack of communication between Henry and Verona, and I personally know the reason why. One day while I was chatting with Tonga, about to indulge in another round of useless bickering and life musings, she bluntly stuck a knife in my conscience when she said that she stopped seeing Henry for good because she has found a more interesting person at Fling.com. I asked who that lucky dog might be, she answered, “You, silly!”

I felt uncomfortable after what he said. Dead air filled the silence, and it was only a matter of time that our bland engagement had to end because Henry needed to attend to business matters. As he listlessly left from the place, the burgeoning guilt has finally sunk in, and it got me questioning the things I have been doing these past couple of weeks. .

My sessions with Verona at Fling.com were merely intended as friendly gestures, since she was kind enough to give me her number before. Although I may be accused of having impure intentions at first, I never meant to destroy the friendship that I have with Henry, since I know that he still has feelings for her. It's like betraying my own flesh and bone, and I don't want any part of that.

At the same time, however, the seeds of a beautiful, budding relationship is already coming into fruition. It would be such a waste if I let something like this wilt and die.

What battle should I pick?

My Fair Verona

For weeks now, I have been trying to give Verona calls in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, night, and everything else in between. However, there's no one answering her phone. The line just kept ringing like a story that ended happily ever after, but you don't know what degree of happiness the story ends with. On the upside, she doesn't have any answering machine, so there's no way she'd figure how much of a loser I really am.

But then again, I'm not really great in calling and pestering women to whom I'm attracted to. Before, I was a geeky kid who wears dental braces and sports a bowl cut during high school, but it would come to no surprise that I had an extremely low self esteem, which did not win me a lot of girls during those times.

However, life has taught me a lot of lessons. One of those invaluable lessons is to not give a flying fuck what other people think about me. As long as I'm comfortable with who I am, then everything is going to be alright. Since then, I became a person who started living his life the way it needed to be lived. A loser, you might ask? Yes, I'm still a big-ass loser. But a proud one, I might add.

Recently, as all of you might know, I have been in the mood of doing things I haven't done before. Such that, it doesn't matter if I fail in what I would end up doing, or I die doing it (although I sure hope I don't), but the important thing is that I want to do it, and in turn, I learn something from it in order to make my life meaningful in the process. Although giving her a call isn't really a big leap, but at least it's something. To hell with insecurities! It's all about taking risks, baby!

However, her negligence in answering my calls has got me questioning a lot of things, like for instance, did she give the right number that night at the 9:30 Club, is her name really Verona, are her breasts real, stuff like that. Then, I just realized, if she's not answering her phone for me to talk to her, then there's this other way to get in touch with her. I'll search her profile at Fling.com instead!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking, pursuing a girl from a lame online dating site. But then again, I don't give a rat's ass what you think.

If I remember correctly, my friend, who was dating Verona, mentioned her username to me. I have thought of the ethical dilemmas that would pose as a problem once I start dating Verona, but I don't want to get ahead of myself. I'll take it one step at the time, that is, to just say 'hi' to her, and hope that she say something in return. I think there's no harm in doing that.

After registering and paying for my profile at the site (damn their services!), I warily searched for her username. But before doing that, I took a peek at some of the women profiles there. Hey, I can't help but appreciate a fine piece of work whenever I see one. And besides, it's the first time I've been in an online dating site, so my raging, unadulterated hormones are justifiable.

After ridding myself from the distractions, it was time to get serious, as I focused on the goal on which drew me to Fling.com in the first place. I slowly and precisely typed her username, just to make sure I won't get it wrong. And then for a moment, lights from the window shone brighter than usual, and the trumpets from the heavens blared their majestic sound unto which seemed to be one of the most glorious seconds of my life.

Tonga.

People Or Principle

I'm back! A lot of things have happened this past few weeks. Well, not really a lot, but at least it's something!

Last week, my cousin has finally convinced me to join him watch a heavy metal gig at the “undisputed king of DC music venues,” the 9:30 Club. After years of resisting his invitations to join his escapades, I finally relented. Although I'm not really a fan of heavy metal, I have no problem appreciating the music itself.

But what really motivated me to join him was because I have yet to set foot in a music bar. Seriously. I may have visited bars before, but that was to play pool and drink with my friends. So there. Laugh all you want, but it's the truth. And since I have been doing this “breaking the boundaries” kind of thing, this would definitely be a great opportunity for my part.

My cousin, who happens to be a little younger than me, was stoked when he found out that I would join him that night. He's probably your typical metalhead, with the mandatory black tight-fit shirt, the leather studs, and the unkempt, shoulder length hair. Plus, he's pretty knowledgeable of all of the metal bands that's been coming around since time immemorial. Whenever he talks about music, I swear to God I can see his eyes light up, his words begin to flow like diarrhea, and his voice begins to crack up. His friends call his "Mr. Metal," and I can definitely see why.

We left at around 9 o' clock because my cousin is gonna meet some of his metal buddies, so to speak. By the time we arrived at the place, it was actually the first time I witnessed a veritable sea of black shirts parading at the entrance. I parked the car, and my cousin sprang out from the car like a kid to meet his friends. Sometimes, I'm having doubts with that guy.

Earlier, I told my cousin that by the time we get to the place, we would separate ways, with him having to go with his friends, and me doing my own thing. Now, don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with me not liking my cousin. However, since he's gonna be with his friends the whole time, I would just cramp up his style since I'm not really a sociable animal,. Plus, I want to get my way with the place by my own. It just adds to the novelty and excitement of being a stranger in a strange land.

So I was hanging out at the bar itself, drinking beer and just having my eye scour the place. The view to the stage from where I was standing was pretty screwed up since a lot of people showed up for the gig. I wasn't actually expecting a headlining metal band to draw such a huge crowd at this place. But then again, I didn't know that the headlining band was Children of Bodom.

The opening acts drew their fair share of applause from the crowd. However, not to offend the other bands, but it was Children of Bodom that the people wanted. One of the metalheads whom I got to meet filled me in on the details. The band hails from Finland, and they play what he calls "melodic death/thrash" metal. Apparently, their moniker works, because the melody, mixed with a tinge of fast and heavy parts, and topped with screeching vocals, got the crowd roaring. The band is spearheaded by Alexi Laiho, who plays guitars and does vocal duties. His command of the crowd and his unrelenting energy was simply impressive.

However, what actually made the night more interesting was that while Children of Bodom was performing, a girl bumped on my right shoulder while she was passing through, causing some of the beer to spill of my shirt and on my shoes. She happened to notice that, and even before she tried to walk away, she apologized to me. But the moment that I saw her face, her striking face was undeniable. I saw her face weeks ago when I was with my friends at Enchanted Village. She was the date that my friend met from this Fling.com. And I think she remembered me as well.

It was pretty awkward, meeting someone by accidentally pouring his drink all over his shoes. But I'd defintely settle for that, especialy with this girl. Of all the places that I would meet her, it has to be at a metal gig. We talked for a while, wondering why the hell we're at such an hell. As it turns out, although she isn't wearing the metal uniform, she happens to love the music, and particularly the band, with passion. Apparently, I never got that impression the first time I saw her. Then again, I love surprises.

After the band's set, we went outside to catch some air. The fresh scene and the street lights have somehow rekindled the face that I saw from last time. Her enigmatic face shone through her untied hair while we were spending our time together. Damn me if I forget what we were actually talking about, but as the moment lasted, I noticed that I cannot stop looking at her. It was during those moments, stealing glances at her, that some sort of fire burned inside me. Definitely not the kind of fire that burns in my loins, I can attest to that! It was more like a fire of admiration, hope, and candor.

What's even stranger was that I felt she felt the same towards me. If for the mere fact that she gave me her number after our conversation wasn't proof enough, then I don't know what is.

I left 9:30 Club feeling exalted, like a leaf being swept away by the wind to different but beautiful places. My cousin even asked why I had an awful smirk on my face. But at the same time, I felt confused, knowing that he was the girl that my friend seems to like. Suddenly, having this thought hang over my head before I got to sleep had me completely torn. But then again, isn't breaking free from my old shell and doing something different and daring what I want for my life?

The struggle continues.

Starting Somewhere...

Hey there! I've been relatively new here at Blogger, and I got pretty fascinated with this 'blogging' phenomenon, so I thought of trying it out for myself as well! So far, I'm still trying to get a hang of it because I found it hard to organize my thoughts, so you might find this post a bit boring. But hey, everybody has to start somewhere, right?

To be honest, I made a blog because I want to 'free' myself, you know? Ok, that sounded kinda gay, but I can explain... For a while now, my friends have been telling me that I've been “living in a box”. Meaning, I've been living my life inside my comfort zones, which is true. I don't go out a lot, I prefer staying inside playing with my guitar or reading a good book. I have a non-existent nightlife, which pretty much kills my social life at the same time. Suffice to say, my way of living life is completely different from other people that I know.

However, this kind of lifestyle has taken its toll on my personal life. Take my ex-girlfriend for example. Our first few months together were amazing. I mean, we're talking real romance, passion, and fireworks here! Although we also endured bad times, these experiences helped me become a better person in the process.

However, as time went by, I felt that our relationship was starting to drag. The spark was gone as we were doing the same things all over again, and I felt she was starting to lose interest in me. Eventually, she said that it was better for us to break up and lead separate lives. Our breakup had me depressed for a long time, because not only did I lose a good friend, but I didn't understand what went wrong in our relationship.

One time, because of too much grief, I called her up and asked how she was doing. It was the first time that I got to talk to her since we broke up, and it was a good thing that she wasn't really doing anything before I called. Anyway, we were just talking and catching up on lost time, when I eventually brought up the topic of our breakup. At first, I was reluctant to ask the question on what really happened with our relationship because I wasn't sure if this was the best time to ask it, but I just had to. I really wanted to know.

She told me that her reason for breaking up with me is because I was too sheltered, and she felt that I was not willing to let go of myself. I must admit, that I had a hard time accepting that, but after giving those words a little bit of thought, it made me realize how painfully true they really are. I have done a lot of stupid things to her because of my ignorance, and I feel so ashamed of even trying to write it here on my blog. However, be it as it may, things happen for a reason. And the reason is, I simply have to become a better person.

Ever since then, I plan to do things that I don't normally do. Last weekend, my friends and I went to Enchanted Village. I'm not a big fan of amusement park rides because the last time I rode one, it was on Splash Mountain on Disneyland, it scared me until I crapped on my pants, literally! Ever since then, I swore to God that I will never ride one of these infernal machines! Well, years have passed, and it seems like I'm to ride one of these things, I guess. The ride was called Timberhawk, and it's a wooden roller-coaster type of thing.

After the ride was through, I must say that I was pretty relieved to get out from it! I was clutching to the handle bars the whole time and I was sweating like hell, while the kid beside me was screaming in pleasure like he just had an orgasm or something. My friends laughed their asses off after the ride because I looked like I've seen a ghost. But the most important thing was that I was able to get out from that ride alive.

Still, after that experience, I feel like I have done something right for myself. Good things in life don't happen with a snap of a finger. They take time in order to develop and be harnessed. What I have done, riding on a roller coaster, may be pretty fuckin' lame for some, but I'd like to think of it as a baby step to help me become a better person.

During that time, I also was able to meet the girl that my friend also brought along. We got to chat with each other, and she said that they met from this adult online dating site called Fling. Now, I'm not really into online dating, but judging from the girl that my friend brought along, she was a winner! I mean, she has the charm and personality to match her looks. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to take a picture with her, but for those interested, think of a younger Jennifer Aniston without the fame. Oh yeah. Not that I want to take her away from my friend, but I can't help but appreciate the beauty of God's creations.

Anyway, I'm off now. Frankly, I feel better after having written the things that I've been keeping for so long. It simply shows how much of a loser I was. Well, it's damn time that I get a life worth living! Until next time!